Men's Sexuality

(Drawn From Brooks, G.R., 2009)

One of the greatest obstacles to better relations between heterosexual women and men is the problem resulting from gender differences regarding sexuality. In their meta-analysis of gender differences in sexual attitudes and behavior, Hyde & Oliver (2000) found that women and men differed significantly in their incidence of masturbation (males having the higher incidence) and their attitudes toward casual sex (with males more likely to endorse this behavior). These findings are highly supportive of the vast body of literature identifying women’s and men’s sexual attitudes as discrepant and, thus, also harmful to male-female relationships. In describing men’s “non-relational” sexuality, Levant (1997) cited research findings that men, in comparison to women, think about sex more frequently, report more sex partners, purchase more autoerotic materials, and have more permissive attitudes toward casual sex. In my own writing (Brooks, 1995), I described the “Centerfold Syndrome” as a dysfunctional compilation of attitudes toward women and sexual behavior that are a product of normative male sexual socialization. This syndrome includes compulsive voyeurism, objectification of women’s bodies, needs for masculinity validation through sex, and fears of true intimacy.

The foregoing material is certainly not being presented to suggest that healthy relationships between women and men are not possible. Nor is the intention to suggest that most men are life-long prisoners of the destructive aspects of their socialization toward women. Rather, the intention is to point out that there are many impediments to these healthy relationships, and that this is yet another area whereby gender role strain can hamper men’s optimal functioning. 

(From Brooks, G.R. 2006)

Although dominant discourses regarding male sexuality tend to view it as relatively uncomplicated, straightforward, and biologically inevitable, a newer perspective considers male sexuality (and male sexual socialization) to be deeply problematic and frequently damaging or traumatic.  When the marketing of sex (i.e., pornography, internet chatrooms, prostitution) is viewed exclusively as a battle between feminist perspectives and "freedom of artistic expression' (or civil liberties), a critical audience is not being heard from - those who are convinced that these activities are not "harmless fun" but profoundly destructive to men's lives as well as to their loved ones.  Furthermore, men who engage in various forms of unwise and destructive sexual behavior must be approached from a perspective that understands this behavior in the context of the social construction of masculinity.  Men who behave in compulsive sexual behavior may not be undersocialized, but may actually be oversocialized into a dysfunctional paradigm of male sexuality.  In this presentation, the multiple implications of this new perspective will

be described.

(From Brooks, G.R., 2006)

Sexuality in Gender Context – A Case Illustraion

Randall and Rita (assumed names) wanted help for marital problems.  Conflicts over sexuality were among the presenting problems.

As is often the case with men seeking help for relationship issues, Randall felt confused and disabled by Rita’s anger and inarticulate in describing his inner experiences.   Levant (2001) has described this situation as “normative male alexithymia,” a condition common to many men whereby they are detached from their feelings and have a diminished capacity for intimate communication.  Levant has described treatment for this condition as a necessary first step in psychotherapy with men.   Brooks (1991) has observed that intensive marital therapy is frequently too overwhelming for many men and has argued for an initial treatment phase of gender consciousness raising (CR), either through all-male groups (Brooks, 1996) or through gender-informed individual therapy (Brooks, 1998).  This consciousness raising psychotherapy, similar to women’s CR groups of the 1960s (Brodsky, 1973), helps men become more aware of the depth of their distress and view their pain in context of the pressures of the male role.

This therapy plan is especially critical when the client presentations include problems with sexual relationships, since male sexuality is one of the most gender-typed, most problematic, and most superficially discussed aspects of men’s lives (Levant & Brooks, 1997).    Levant and Brooks (1997) proposed the term “nonrelational sexuality” to characterize the normative pattern whereby young men are socialized to experience sex only as lust, without any requirements for relational intimacy, or even for more than a minimal connection with the object of one’s desires.   In this mode of sexual experience, “targets of sexual desire are objectified and pursued instrumentally to meet a set of needs, which – in addition to the release of sexual tension – include receiving nurturance and affirming a sense of adequacy.” (Levant & Brooks, 2001, p. 1).

Levant (2001) considers nonrelational sexuality in men to be an unfortunate outgrowth of male emotion socialization, during which “boys experience sharp limitations on the expression of caring/connection emotions.”  (p.18).  Levant notes hat this nonrelational pattern is worsened in adolescence when

boys’ deficits in emotional empathy reinforce this self-involved objectification of girls by preventing boys from realizing how it might feel to the girls to be objects of their lust … the long-suppressed caring/connection emotions get swept along in this turbulent stream, but well outside of awareness.  As a result, sexuality for boys becomes, at the conscious level, unconnected and nonrelational. (p. 19)

Brooks (1995) proposed the “Centerfold Syndrome” as a dysfunctional constellation of attitudes and behaviors representing a pervasive distortion in the way men are taught, and subsequently reinforced, to relate to women and sexuality.  This conceptualization of problematic male sexuality encompasses five elements: (a) voyeurism; (b) objectification of women; (c) sex for masculinity validation; (d) trophyism; and (e) fear of true intimacy. Brooks has observed that men’s relationships with women are severely hampered by the Centerfold Syndrome and argued that couple relationships can be greatly improved by helping men enhance their capacity for sensuality and emotional intimacy.  Before this can be accomplished, however, men must confront the destructive aspects of the centerfold syndrome must make a commitment to change many of their sexual habits (Brooks, 2001, p. 64)

With these perspectives in mind, it became much easier to understand Randall’s sexual difficulties and intervene in a compassionate manner.  Randall relaxed noticeably when therapy dialogue shifted from focus on his “pathology” to a broader exploration of all men and their sexuality.  Cautious at first, Randall soon became more enthusiastic in relating his early experiences with girl-watching, soft-core pornography, jokes about “jacking-off” as the only cure for “blue balls.”  He described endless sessions with male friends comparing assets of “babes” and bragging about sexual conquests.   He acknowledged a moderate degree of embarrassment about his fraternity exploits, but insisted that he had been far more mature after “sowing my wild oats” and marrying Rita.

Using this conversation as context, the therapist was better prepared to help Randall examine the sexual issues in his marriage.  Randall admitted that sex with Rita was different, since he cared about her, both as his wife and mother of his children.  He remembered that he had initially been moderately attracted to her physical attributes, but acknowledged that he had focused more on her non-physical characteristics; eg, her character, her compassion, her emotional sensitivity.   Over the years, he had noted a deepening of their attachment to each other, but had also experienced some discomfort with her changing appearance and a gradual decline in physical desire for her.   Furthermore, he admitted that they had left many disagreements unresolved and frequently avoided intimate contact during extended periods of resentment.  As the emotional distance increased, Randall found himself more desirous of sexual activity and more likely to privately masturbate.  Over time, he found himself relying on the masturbation for sexual release and somewhat avoidant of the “complexities” of actual sexual interaction with Rita.  By the time Randall and Rita had entered therapy, Randall had developed a fairly strong and secret pornography habit and was rarely able to function sexually without visualization of the various naked women of his magazines and web sites.

The tactical retreat from conjoint sessions and move to individual consciousness raising sessions allowed us to freely explore Randall’s “secret” sex life and begin finding  ways to shift into a healthier sexual relationship with Rita.  In sessions that acknowledged the prevalence of pornography in men’s lives, Randall felt freer and less inclined to experience shame for his habits.   At the same time, these sessions challenged the popular myths about pornography as “harmless fun,” and explored the multiple ways that his pornography habits had harmed his sensuality and intimacy with Rita.  With heightened sensitivity to these issues, Randall seemed better able to recognize the loneliness engendered by his solitary sexual activity and he began to recognize emotional needs that had remained unmet.